the taste is getting saltier...

i don't understand it. how can my mind be full of him, when i only met him for 5 hours?
the day we headed back to our hometowns, i sent him a sms and he replied immediately. the next one i sent (i thought it was better to wait a little) was in the evening. and from monday to now... i got no response... i'm still waiting... the waiting is killing me, is eating me up, my body feels worse from day to day.

actually it's funny. i didn't even plan to give him my mobile phone number. but when he asked for mine, i thought: ok. but i didn't ask for his. he immediately said. i give you a call so you can save my number! will you keep in touch with me??

and when anika and i were back at the hotel room, i said to her, i wouldn't make the first move. even if he didn't keep in touch, i wouldn't care because i had a wonderful night with him.

it's hard to believe i really said so. i can't trust my own words anymore...

i got to know him as a responsible, intelligent and caring person. maybe he just asked for my number out of responsibility, to check if we had arrived sound and safe??

at times i think, it might have been better not to get to know him at all. but then again, i have no regrets about that night. even better... all the boys i got to know hurt me so badly, that it was too hard for me to trust any boy anymore. and it just takes him 5 hours to make me trust in my feelings. i always thought, when i'd be with a boy again, i would be too afraid of getting hurt, of talking to him in a normal way, let's say of being close to someone. but with him it was different. does it mean, he was actually the right one for me to get me out of that mess?

yesterday evening, anika smsed me (i waited all day for a sms, and then, totally nervous, i see it's just hers TT.TT), asking if he had replied my message. i just sent her the message with NO and put my phone on the shelf again, when i got another sms and thought. oh anika again. it wasn't. it was tobi, his friend and the one who got close to anika. (at first i was so hyper about it) he tried not to show it, but i immediately got it: he wanted to have anika's number. we chatted for a short while on icq, but he didn't say a word about christopher. (i felt so down again)

i know from anika that they smsed each other for a while. i'm so happy for him.
but why is it different for christopher and me?
i try to find stupid excuses, that he didn't get my last sms (that's even possible with my mobile phone!! anika only gets about half of the messages) and doesn't dare to write again, thinking i might not be interested...

nadine phoned my shortly afterwards. i didn't plan to tell anyone, but i still told her. she also agreed it was amazing, the way he cared for me, worried about me, after just knowing each other for a short while. she said other guys would have run off. but was that just his responsibility towards me??
nadine suggested to not waste any thought. even worse it would have been a long-distance-relationship. in fact i thought about it like this before, and i mean month before: it's not that bad to be in such a relationship. during the week you can both concentrate on your work / studies and on the weekend you deserve the pleasure of being together.

i know my thoughts are stupid and childish. but i just can't get them out of my head.

i decided to send him a final sms tomorrow at work. i do not dare to talk on the phone to him, it might be too awkward for both of us. thinking about it, times doesn't go by at all.

darn~ my mind is so occupied with him, causing my body to weaken.
my body refuses proper food and sleep.
my stomach aches. at first i thought it was still of drinking, but it's been 3 days since i last drank alcohol. that's impossible...
my heart aches. it's not the feeling of being heart-broken. it really aches from time to time. lately i got heart problems a lot and ever since it worsened.

i'm now going to prepare my final message... i don't want to do that, but somehow i need a clear NO to leave it all the past.
or should i sms tobi first and ask him about christopher? but won't i make myself a loser to not contact christopher?? what should i write? what should remain unspoken?

i only know i'm gonna show full understanding for each decision. within 5 hours he treated me better than any other guy i've known for long.